Saturday, March 27, 2010

She Cried

*** This blog post is extremely emotional for me. As a matter of fact, it comes straight from my journal. I have been waivering back and forth about whether to actually post it or not, and as I am posting it, I feel very vulnerable. Please be considerate in your comments.

My grandmother is dying. So many thoughts have been racing through my head in these last few days. All day long today, I’ve been sorting through memories, trying to understand why I am filled with such confusing emotions.

You see, I didn’t know my grandmother as well as I would have liked. We always lived a long way away from my grandparents, and only saw them once or twice a year.

Most of my memories are formal, proper if you will. As a matter of fact, even the name we call our mom’s mom is formal. Grandmother, not Grandma, Mimi, Maama, or any other soft endearment. Grandmother felt that it was proper that way.

Things in Grandmother’s home were done properly. Sleeves and skirts were a neat length. Meals were a neat organized process. Hair was always neat and in place, and the house was kept meticulously clean.

I don’t remember seeing any emotions in Grandmother’s life except for one time. I never remember seeing her angry, happy, sad, or excited, although I’m sure she was all of these at times. That one time that I do remember seeing her emotion is a good memory that came to surface today as I was trying to sort out my feelings.

I was with Grandmother and Grandfather on what was an ordinary day for them. I was the only “visitor” there, and so I think it must have been the summer during college when I went out to Kansas to work for the summer and took a short pit stop at my grandparent’s home. Grandmother, Grandfather, and I had family devotions together in the morning. Grandfather read a passage from the Bible, and then we knelt next to the bright red chairs to pray. I listened as they prayed for friends, for the pastor, and the church. But then Grandmother began listing off the names of her children and their families one by one to God in prayer. Grandmother cried.

As she prayed specifically for her children and the problems they were facing, both here in America, and as missionaries in Ukraine, she cried. As she prayed that some of her wayward grandchildren would come back to God, she cried. As she prayed that her family would be blessed, she cried. And as she prayed I would be kept safe on my trip, Grandmother cried.

So, although I don’t have oodles and bunches of soft, cozy, good memories of fun and laughter-filled times spent with Grandmother, I know that Grandmother cared about her family and loved them dearly. I know this beyond the shadow of a doubt, because Grandmother cried.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. it shows that although people may think they know someone or how someone else feels that is not always the case. We never know what is in somebody's heart and other hold just as much feeling and emotions as we do. They just don't show them as much. I am so sorry about your grandmother. I have no grandparents left and I miss them so much. Although my grandmother was my Nanny.

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  2. Losing someone is always difficult no matter what the relationship level is. It is also difficult to know what each and everyone of us holds in our hearts and minds. You got the chance to peek into her heart with her tears telling her story. Cherish the memories that you do have of your grandmother and she will live on within your heart.
    CMashLovesToRead

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  3. What a beautiful memory, Bethany! Keep it close!

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  4. That was so beautifully written. So glad you were able to have that opportunity to hear her pray like that. Truly wonderful

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  5. I am so sorry that you going through this, I only hope that your grandmother finds peace and comfort. You're post is beautiful, my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

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  6. This is a beautiful tribute to your grandmother. You are incredibly brave to be so open and vulnerable. I know this is a hard time and I want you to know that I've been praying for all of you every day. I know that you will cherish this memory of her. With love and prayers...

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  7. What a beautiful memory. Very well written. :)

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  8. Beppy,
    Interesting because I was talking to her today about my memories of letting myself onto the house in the morning and hearing she and Grandfather praying for their children and grandchildren by name. What a blessed heritage. Lots of love to you there!

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